does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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