Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
