I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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