im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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