I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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