in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
