i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
