A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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