I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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