I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
