I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
