dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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