I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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