you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
