btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
