someone get that fucking seahorse.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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