my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
