That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
