Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
