The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
