he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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