she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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