a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
