Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(785): View more from Kansas

I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(631): View more from New York

Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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(317): View more from Indiana

that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?

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(360): View more from Washington

YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.

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