but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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