I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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