He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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