another moral hangover. fuck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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