Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
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I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize