i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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