Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
