I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
