My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
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The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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