There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
