We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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