He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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