My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
