I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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