did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
