The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
