First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
