Plan B is the new Plan A
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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