He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
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Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.