Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
