Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
