Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
