i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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