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• (530): View more from California

  So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant

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• (512): View more from Texas

  after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.

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• (559): View more from California

  ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit

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