So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
