I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
