Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
