i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
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Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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